


The bitter sunrise

by Haroji



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: 8x04, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, F/M, Post-Canon, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 07:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18752260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haroji/pseuds/Haroji
Summary: She was ready to lose anything, ready to be drowned in a sea of the dead, ready to see those she loves and respects die in front of her and eventually have the light fade from her own eyes, but there was nothing in the world that could've prepared her for what she lost last night. And as she stood in the bleak aftermath, more alone than she had ever felt in her life, she wished nothing more than for her to have never survived at all. To have such strong faith in something to the point where you give your entire heart to it, only to have it taken from you in seconds- that pain, brienne decided, was worse than having nothing at all.Never had the sun seemed so cruel, so mocking.





	The bitter sunrise

The wintry sun spilt a  harsh light across the chamber floor. Brienne grunted softly and sat up, yawning. She had forgotten the events of the previous night until she looked expectantly beside her, only to find an empty space, the imprint of his head still fresh on the pillow. Instantly the comfort and security of early morning naivety shattered around her and the painful events of the night returned to her in a torrent. The cold winter night air, the all too familiar look in his eyes she could never quite pin down, the damned beat of hooves against the frozen ground  and a silhouette passing through the castle gates.   
Brienne never cried. She taught herself to be strong and unnerved, and tears were too clear a confirmation of weakness. But last night she cried and cried until her throat was raw and her head throbbing and her limbs sapped of energy, before exhaustion and sleep took her. She was strong, but not strong enough for this.  
She dragged herself out of bed and over to a table where a clean change of clothes had been left for her. She undressed and slipped the cool linen on, wincing at the month-old injuries she had sustained but not quite healed from. Shrouding herself in a robe of fur she stepped out into the open air of the balcony overlooking the courtyard. She didn't know exactly what it was she was hoping for- she longed to stay in bed and give in to the incomprehensible weight in her chest , but watching the everyday quiet bustle of winterfell helped occupy her, give her senses something new yet familiar.   
The same bitter morning light exposed the courtyard below. A few weeks ago , brienne thought she'd never see the sun again. She hadn't expected to live, but as an abstract notion, yes, she wanted to. She barely knew it at the time but the distant idea of sitting and laughing with ser Jaime at the end of the long night by a warm hearth was what kept her sword in her hand. She was ready to lose anything, ready to be drowned in a sea of the dead, ready to see those she loves and respects die in front of her and eventually have the light fade from her own eyes, but there was nothing in the world that could've prepared her for what she lost last night. And as she stood in the bleak aftermath, more alone than she had ever felt in her life, she wished nothing more than for her to have never survived at all. To have such strong faith in something to the point where you give your entire heart to it, only to have it taken from you in seconds- that pain, brienne decided, was worse than having nothing at all.   
Never had the sun seemed so cruel, so mocking.   
Below, pod clashed training swords with the stablemasters son while servant girls giggled from the sidelines. She had grown to see pod as her protege- her figurative younger brother, or even son- and seeing him so confident  and matured made her almost feel like smiling.   
"Ser Brienne." A familiar steely voice came from her side. Brienne turned to lady Sansa, bowing her head. "My lady. Did you sleep well?"  
Sansa smirked, but in her eyes was a hint of warmth. "As well as you can, really." Brienne felt that. She gripped the railing, thoughtfully looking over the castle grounds. Brienne looked at her. She reminded her uncannily of Lady Catelyn- the same fiery red hair, pragmatic and somewhat distant expression, jaw set like stone, cold and calculating eyes. To serve her, she thought, was an honour she wasn't sure she deserved. 

"Have you seen ser Jaime, perchance?"   
Brienne winced and averted her eyes. "Yes, my lady." She kept staring straight ahead as sansa turned her head towards her. "He left last night for kings landing." Her voice grew smaller and more hoarse with every word. It hurt to say out loud, to make it real, to make it more than a bizarre nightmare.  _ Its real. Youve said it. You cant run from it now _ . She looked at sansa and held eye contact, uncomfortably aware of her crumpled face and reddened eyes. A look of realisation appeared in sansas eyes, quickly turning to sadness peppered with anger. Jaime leaving should be a surprise to no-one, least of all her.    
Brienne looks down at the ash-powdered tiles of the balcony floor. "I suppose I was wrong about him." For the first time in her life, she felt small. Surprisingly, Sansa softly laid a hand on Briennes arm.

"Ser Brienne, I trust your judgement more than anyone in the seven kingdoms. You should trust it a bit more yourself." Brienne looked up to find a suggestive, almost promising look in her eye.   
She wanted to believe her. More than anything, she did. But she would be a fool to do so. _ Men have never been true to you before _ , she told herself.  _ Why would this be any different? _   
And so a look of resignation set upon her face. "He's a hateful man." She gently nudged her arm away from Sansa's hand. "I was a fool for not seeing that."   
And with a soft exhale, she retired to her chambers.   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Lol idk how I feel about this, I haven't written in years and it's 4am so it could be shit, but tbh it's entirely self indulgent :> more chapters coming soon, I promise they won't all be angsty haha


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